


My Deepest Secret

by Lurkinginthecorner



Category: Hunger Games (2012) RPF, Josh Hutcherson - Fandom, Real Person Fiction, jennifer lawrence - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-01
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-10 19:45:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1163735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lurkinginthecorner/pseuds/Lurkinginthecorner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The more he tried to forget her, the deeper she crawled under his skin. As Josh attempts to make it work with his girlfriend and finally get over his long-lasting feelings for Jennifer, he's caught in a whirlwind of emotions, incidents and misunderstandings that puts back in question everything he's believed about her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Deepest Secret

**Author's Note:**

> Although the Josh/Claudia relationship is an important part of the story, it is definitely a Joshifer story through and through. So if you're looking for Josh/Claudia endgame, this is not the story for you, and if you can't stand the idea of Josh and Claudia together, don't worry, her part in the story is T-rated and there is a nice surprise in the end.  
> Also, this is NOT related to the "I Loved You All Along" universe.

“I’d say there’s a natural stirring that happens in your body. If you’re in the moment and you’re in the scene, then naturally whatever naturally happens is what’s supposed to happen.”

As I’m sitting on my bed, leaning against the headboard, I look up at the ceiling and attempt to avoid remembering that particular day. Memories of her plump lips devouring mine, her soft hand grabbing my own, and her breath caressing my face like a soft breeze invade my mind, and I know I won’t be able to forget so easily. I close my eyes shut and try to focus my attention on what the interviewer is blabbering, but I can’t help picturing her laughing face every time I hear the word “Katniss” coming out of the phone and it’s like getting slapped in the face.

I cringe when I realize that he’s trying to get me to admit that I have feelings for my costar. I know that I have been quite obvious with my attraction to her during the press tour for _The Hunger Games_ last year, what with gushing about her all the time, letting out how beautiful I think she is, how perfect she is, how blessed I am to be able to work with her. But this time around, I was resolute to let no hint at my feelings show.

So to say I’m off to a very bad start would be an understatement.

I look down and stare at the black, fireball-like pattern that covers my comforter and distractedly run a hand on the fabric, remembering another soft material, a snow white bedding set, a totally different room. One where I spent a sleepless night trying to deal with the pain of her rejection and the disappointment of a day I was so looking forward to and that totally went wrong.

When I can finally hang up, I take a deep breath and hide my face in my hands.

“Are you okay?”

I look up and find Claudia standing in the doorway to my bedroom, wearing small shorts that barely cover her ass, along with my black Deth Killers t-shirt. I simply nod, and when she makes her way to me and kneels before me, her hands resting flat on my thighs, I can see in her eyes that she’s figured out I was upset.

“What’s wrong, _mi cielo_?”

“It’s alright, just... don’t pay attention to what you might read in the coming days, okay? I think I just messed up in my interview. It’s nothing, really, but... if they twist what I said like I think they’ll do, don’t take any of it seriously, okay? I don’t want you to get upset for nothing.”

I pinch my lips nervously. I know she’ll want to find out what I said. And I know it’s not a good idea.

“What did you say?”

“Nothing important.”

“Josh...” She stares at me with an almost annoyed expression.

“Really, honey, don’t worry about that. Come here,” I say, wrapping my arms around her neck to pull her to me for a quick kiss. I sense she’s still a little frustrated, but as soon as we get lost in each other, she likely forgets everything.

And so do I. At least, I try.

 

* * *

 

“’ _Josh Hutcherson admits that Jennifer Lawrence turns him on’_ What the hell did you tell that reporter?!”

I place an empty mug under the nozzle of the coffee maker and tap the switch, before walking to the living room to see what the fuss is about. Claudia is sitting at my desk, my laptop in front of her displaying a series of news headlines. As soon as she senses my presence, she gives me a hard look.

“Baby... I told you they’d twist it all wrong.”

I get closer and glance at the titles. Most of them focus on my “natural stirrings” comment, just like I had anticipated. I swallow hard.

“I’m not dumb,” she says. “That guy wasn’t asking you about _Paradise Lost_. You really were talking about her.”

I sigh.

“What difference does it make? We were talking about filming that took place six months ago. It’s over now.”

“Is it?”

She’s staring at me with her eyebrows raised in suspicion. I rub my neck nervously.

“You know there hasn’t ever been anything between Jennifer and I, right?”

“I know. But I also know you’ve had a crush on her for years. And now, people are gonna think you’re in love with her or something...”

“Hey,” I say, crouching next to her and taking her hand. “Who cares what people think? I love you, we’re together, it’s all that matters.”

I bite my lip.

“It’s not enough,” she mutters bitterly. “I want people to know that you’re mine. I don’t want them to think you love her.”

“Would you like me to call my publicist? Decide together what’s the best course of action for all involved?”

I figure I owe her that after messing up so badly in my interview. If it can please her, and my publicist agrees, I’m ready to make a move.

She nods, her face softening as I stand up and take my cell phone with me. I walk back to the kitchen to grab my coffee cup and make the call.

As I wait for Angie to pick up, I slowly sip on my drink. My stomach churns in anxiety as I realize that Claudia and I aren’t the only ones involved in this mess. Jennifer is also likely to suffer from the consequences of my comments in the media. Another reason to beat the speculation to the bush.

“Josh?” Angie’s sweet voice says in the phone. “I was just about to call you.”

“Probably for the same reason I’m calling you,” I sigh. “I’m sorry, I messed up. It just came out, I didn’t think...”

“It’s okay, Josh. You didn’t do so badly.”

“My girlfriend is kind of mad now. And I can’t imagine Jen being pleased to have any rumors of us possibly dating coming out. Is there a way to get us out of trouble?”

I can already guess what she’s going to suggest. I didn’t want to do it, but I may not have a choice now.

“Are you ready to introduce Claudia as your girlfriend?”

I knew it. I close my eyes and pinch the base of my nose.

“Is there any other way?” I ask in a defeated tone.

“It’s the most efficient way.”

I look at Claudia, who’s busy typing something on her own phone.

“Alright. Let’s do it.”

 

* * *

 

With Angie’s help, we end up setting a rendezvous with the paparazzi. Claudia and I go on a date and make sure to kiss in the open. The news of our relationship quickly spreads in the media, and any leftover rumors of me having feelings for Jen just die along with it.

Claudia is satisfied. I’m relieved.

I receive a simple text the next day.

JENNIFER: Congratulations.

At first, I don’t know what to make of it. But because she usually sends freakishly long messages – she can’t shut up any more easily when she writes than when she talks – I figure there must be an edge of sarcasm in her message.

This is a game I can play too.

JOSH: Thank you. I guess I’ll be able to say the same to you very soon?

She must know that I’ve seen the rumors she was back in a relationship with Nick. I don’t know why she’d be upset about me having a girlfriend though – she’s been perfectly clear in the past that she would never be attracted to me.

 

* * *

 

_I can’t wait for the day to be over. Ironically, I’ve been waiting for this particular day ever since the beginning of the shoot. But I hadn’t anticipated I would be so exhausted when the time came to film it that I wouldn’t dream of anything other than lying on my bed and sleeping for two days straight._

_I’ve kissed Jen on camera many, many times in the past, especially for this movie. But this is the first truly passionate kiss we’ll record together and I’ve been fantasising about it for months now._

_As we sit next to each other on the sand, I study Jen’s face for a moment. She yawns, and I realize that she’s likely as tired as I am._

_I look down and sigh. This is really not the way I thought it would go down._

_The crew gets the equipment up and running, and Francis sits with us to give us his instructions. Jen is blinking furiously, fighting hard to stay awake._

_“Okay, so I wanna see how you guys play it out naturally, and if we need to make adjustments, we’ll see later. Just keep in mind that this is their first real big kiss, it can be a little bit awkward, and they both think it’s their farewell kiss. Oh, and it has to be perfect, or else the fans will slay you. Not to put too much pressure, but...”_

_“Yeah, right,” I say with a chuckle._

_“So whenever you’re ready,” Francis says while standing up. “We’ll start.”_

_I share a look with Jen._

_“Let’s get this over with as soon as possible,” she says with another yawn. “I’m so damn tired.”_

_I nod and look away so she can’t see my disappointment. She obviously wasn’t looking forward to kissing me at all._

_When the cameras are ready and Francis calls “Action”, Jen and I start delivering our lines. As usual, she’s perfect. Me, not so much, but it will have to do. When we make it to the iconic “Nobody needs me” and “I do. I need you” lines, my heart starts beating faster in anticipation._

_As soon as our lips meet, I forget everything._ _I’m no longer an actor. Peeta Mellark doesn’t exist anymore. And I’m definitely not kissing Katniss Everdeen right now._

_I’m Josh Hutcherson, kissing Jennifer Lawrence. And it’s every bit as glorious as in my fantasies. I don’t even spare a thought for the cameras and crew people surrounding us, despite the loud noise the equipment is making._

_It’s hardly a romantic setting regardless of the scenery, but I just don’t care. I’m rendered crazy by the way her lips move furiously on my mouth, the softness of her tongue caressing my own, the warmth of her hand unexpectedly gripping mine. As I pull her closer to me, we’re interrupted by the assistant director’s voice giving us the clue to stop kissing, and we slowly pull away to stare at each other with lust-filled gazes._

_Mine is genuine. Hers, I guess not._

_They call “Cut” and Francis makes his way to us, kneeling on the sand in front of us._

_“It was very good. But you’ll have to keep it on the shorter side. As important as this scene is, we can’t afford to linger on the kiss. I really liked what you did there, going for a kiss, then they both realize they want more, and they go for it a second time, this time with all the passion they can pour into it. Think you can do it again?”_

_“Sure,” Jen says, looking more tired than ever._

_I sigh. We quickly get started on the next take. When we get to the kiss, I feel the deep connection between us once again. I get lost in the passion she brings to the kiss, let my mind dream of it being real._

_If I thought I wasn’t in love with this woman, now there’s no doubt that I am._

_When we cut, I share a smile with her._

_“You’re a wonderful kisser, you know that?”_

_“Nope, Katniss is, not me! I’ll take it as a compliment on my talent as an actress,” she replies with a teasing smile._

_I force myself to return her smile and look away so she can’t see the hurt pass in my eyes. She was so quick to remind me that we were playing characters; it’s obvious she’s not interested in me the way I am in her._

_And it fucking shatters my heart. Since her boyfriend dumped her right before she flew to Hawaii, I had allowed myself to hope that maybe, one day, she’d return the strong feelings I had harboured for her ever since we met last year. But the way she so promptly lets me know that even a passionate kiss like the one we just shared, one where I could feel a powerful current go through us, is just nice acting on her part, makes me devastated._

_But I have to keep it together for the rest of the scene, and if she doesn’t feel anything for me, at least I’ll enjoy the kisses and pretend they’re for me._

_It’s ironic, really. I’m supposed to pretend I’m Peeta Mellark kissing Katniss Everdeen, and yet, I’m going into this pretending Jennifer Lawrence is kissing me, Josh Hutcherson._

_This is sick._

_With each new take, the feelings in the pit of my stomach get stronger. Lust gets mixed with pain; love blends with dread._

_And to add to my troubles, I can’t help the sensations from spreading to my groin area, with a result made even more obvious by my tight wetsuit costume.  I know Jen has noticed, but she doesn’t comment on it. In fact, she’s abnormally quiet. Usually, she’d tease me to no end for that kind of thing, but not now. I don’t understand why, but I don’t push her. I’m not in the mood to play around anyway. I just want this fucking scene to be over with._

_And so when we finally wrap up for the day, I’m quick to run to the trailer, change into my own clothes and leave the set._

_I don’t even share another word with Jen that day. And we never talk about it again._

* * *

Jen’s answer comes quickly.

JENNIFER: I’d say it’s looking good.

I feel a sharp pain in my stomach upon reading the message. Somehow, I’m still not over her, despite all my attempts at moving on with Claudia.

I don’t dare ask her if she knows about the interview, even though it burns me to know. She doesn’t give me time to answer before sending me another message.

JENNIFER: I miss you. Can’t wait for comic con.

I sigh. As much as I wish it wouldn’t affect me, the truth is that I miss her like crazy. I haven’t seen her since the beginning of March, when we flew back to Hawaii for a week to do reshoots for the movie. I still remember the long hug we shared before parting ways at the airport back in LA. I was flying to Panama a few days later and she was leaving for Boston soon after.

Since then, we’ve exchanged a few texts here and there, the occasional picture – she’s quite impressed with Montreal – and nothing else. Not even a phone call.

I’m alone with my thoughts.

I stare at my phone screen, wondering what to reply. I know I’m not being fair; I should be happy for her that she’s in love again. But I can’t help the jealousy from stabbing me in the gut when I picture her with him. Again. And I know that they’ll show up to Comic con together, as they also have a panel for their own movie.

I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to witness her loving another man. It pains me just to think about it.

I finally type back an answer.

JOSH: Yeah. It’s gonna be special.

I couldn’t lie to her. So I went with the most generic statement I could think of instead.

I wait for her reply. It never comes.

 

* * *

 

 

Claudia leaves back for Spain a few days later. I distract myself by reading script after script for days on end, so I don’t have time to dwell on my guilt regarding Claudia, and my longing for Jennifer. It works for a time, but I quickly get bored.

By the time I get to San Diego for Comic Con, I feel ready to see Jennifer again without triggering a storm of unpleasant emotions inside me.

Thank God, because when I open the door of my hotel suite, I’m greeted by her unexpected presence inside my room. She’s standing in front of the window, looking outside.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.

She turns to me and smiles widely, before closing the distance on us and opening her arms to me for a tight hug. I breathe in the scent of her perfume, enjoy the steadiness of her body pressed against mine, dream of staying that way forever.

But I’m quickly brought back to reality when she pulls away after what feels like a way too short moment.

“I couldn’t stand to spend one extra minute away from you.”

I roll my eyes.

“Yeah, right.”

“I’m serious, Josh,” she says in a low voice. “Didn’t you miss me?” she adds, leaning in a fake seductive manner. If only she knew... but it’s better that she doesn’t know.

“Of course I missed you. I just thought... no, never mind.”

“Josh!” she playfully hits my arm. “No secrets!”

I sigh.

“I thought you would have wanted to spend as much time as you can with your boyfriend. Since, you know... that’s what prompted him to break up the first time.”

She looks away, her face suddenly showing annoyance.

“Yeah, well, I’m already spending all my time with him at work, at home. I can afford to take a break to see my best friend that I haven’t seen in months!” she explains, looking back at me and pinching my cheek as if I were a kid.

I’ll never tell her, but I’m so fucking sick of her treating me like a puppy. It’s all fun and games on set when we chase after each other, playfully wrestle, act like toddlers on a sugar rush. But I wish one day, just one fucking day, she would look at me as if I were a man.

I guess it’s not gonna happen this weekend.

I reply with a forced smile, but she doesn’t notice my unease.

“So! What are you doing tonight?” she asks, throwing herself on the bed and bouncing up to the wooden headboard. She sits upright, leaning against the material, her position almost inviting me to cuddle with her. I focus on unpacking my luggage to keep my attention away from the sight of her thighs lightly peeking under her short skirt, her long legs sprawled across the mattress, and her exposed neck seemingly awaiting my kisses.

She’s back with her boyfriend, that she’s loved all along. She likes me like a friend, or a brother even. I have a girlfriend.

Life sucks.

I walk into the bathroom to drop my things and take a deep breath, away from her inquisitive glance. I’m pretty sure she never noticed any effect she had on me, and it better stay that way.

“So?”

Oh yeah, I haven’t answered. I sigh and walk back into the room, making my way to the bed. I sit on the edge and shake my head.

“Nothing. I wanted to chill here for the night.”

She nods, and suddenly grabs my hand to pull me to her. She takes advantage of my surprise to roll over and pin me under her on the bed.

“I wanna spend the night with you. Pretty, please?” she says with her most childish pleading face.

I stare at her eyes for a while. If I didn’t know any better, I’d see something else past the playfulness. Something serious.

But the thing is that I do know better.

“Your boyfriend is waiting for you,” I say, pushing her away from me and standing up from the bed. I walk to the window and take a look outside at the people walking on the street.

“He’ll chill with Fassbender.”

I shrug. In a second, I feel her presence behind me. She snakes her arms around my torso and rests her chin on my shoulder, sighing.

“I really miss you, Josh,” she whispers, making a chill spread throughout my body. I dare to cover her hands with mine and close my eyes to savour the moment.

Fuck, I’m not supposed to be dreaming about her anymore. I’m not supposed to fantasise about turning around, grabbing her face with my hands and crashing my lips on hers, swallowing her whole mouth to try to satisfy the burning desire I feel for her. I’m not supposed to imagine her soft hands run all over my body, working on removing my shirt and quickly unfastening my belt buckle to free my growing erection. I’m not supposed to wish that she would let me caress her breasts, suck on her tender skin, grab her bare ass under her skirt and pull her closer to me, rubbing my bulge on her center as she moans in delight.

I’m not supposed to.

And she’s not supposed to act so serious around me. I look down and sigh.

I’m really not proud of myself.

“You should go,” I whisper sadly.

She reluctantly takes her arms off my body and backs off slowly. I turn to her and what I see in her eyes surprises me.

Desire.

I shake my head imperceptibly. I’m definitely still stuck in my fantasy world.

 

* * *

 

 

I’m really mad at myself for making the situation more awkward. She’s my friend, I should be able to hang out with her without wanting more. I should be able to look at her straight in the eyes and not see a reflection of what’s in mine. I should be able to bury deep within myself the stupid romantic feelings I can’t seem to get rid of for good.

After she leaves my room, looking disappointed, I decide to call Claudia.

My girlfriend. The one I’ve tried to convince myself I loved for months. But all this time, I’ve been fooling myself. Hopefully she hasn’t noticed. She deserves so much better than a boyfriend hung up on a best friend who never even had any inclination to want more than a wholly platonic relationship.

I lie down on my bed and grab my phone to call Claudia, until I realize that it’s the middle of the night in Spain. She hates when I forget the time zones and call at night.

I let out a deep breath and put the phone back on the side table, before closing my eyes. Maybe a little nap will help me forget the sensation of her body pressed against mine, the vision of her sparkly blue eyes staring at me, the scent of her shampoo faintly tainting the pillow where she briefly rested her head earlier.

But I don’t have time to fall asleep before the sound of an incoming text message makes me jump.

JENNIFER: I’m sorry if I made things any awkward. I’m not used to you having a gf anymore. If you want me to give you space, just tell me. I just thought we could make up for lost time, for once.

I sigh, before writing my reply. I wish I could tell her this has nothing to do with Claudia, but I can’t.

JOSH: It’s alright. I just needed some time alone to think. You can come hang out in my room if you want.

I almost add, “but I guess your boyfriend would rather you spend the night with him”, but I don’t. She knows what she’s doing. And he knows I’ll never be a threat to their relationship.

Her reply comes in quickly.

JENNIFER: Open the door.

I get up from the bed and walk to the door to let her back in.

“I’m sorry if I made things awkward,” I say.

“It’s alright. I should have let you unpack before getting in.”

“How did you get the key to my room anyway?”

She winks.

“Nina gave it to me. I only had to ask! I pretended it was just to be safe, in case you forgot it. Since, you know, for once, Andre didn’t travel with you... I had an excuse!”

I nod.

“Alright. You hungry?”

She rolls her eyes.

“Duh. Of course I’m hungry. I was already eyeing the room service menu before you came in.”

“Okay.”

Wine and pizza. I don’t even need to confirm with her that it’s what she wants to have. She’s predictable like that.

Or I just know her so well. But she’s not hard to figure out at all.

I place the order and crash on the couch in the living room part of the suite. Jen sits next to me, keeping a larger distance between us than what we’ve been used to in the past.

Actually, I’m used to having her curl up against me, her head leaning on my shoulder and her hand resting over my heart. I stare at her with confusion, before I remember her text message.

“You can come closer,” I dare say, nervously licking my lips. “I don’t bite,” I chuckle.

“No, but... I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I know. It’s alright, really. We’re just friends, we’re not doing anything wrong, right?”

I cringe internally, but I hide it pretty well. She nods and finally closes the distance between us, cuddling up against me in a familiar embrace. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her closer to me as I grab the remote to light on the TV. We end up watching TLC, as usual. I don’t say a word, trying to focus on the show rather than the butterflies I feel in my chest and that are threatening to make me hard at that inopportune time. We quickly fall back into our old routine, and I forget for a moment that neither of us is single anymore.

“So what are you doing after we’re done with this?” she asks in an unusually serious tone.

“You mean after the Con?”

“Yeah.”

“Probably gonna spend some time at home in LA before my charity basketball game and the interviews, and then I’ll make a trip to Spain. Why?”

“Nothing. I was just wondering when you would go there.”

I frown.

“Why so?”

“I don’t know.”

I don’t press the matter further.

“She’s one lucky girl to have you as her boyfriend,” she adds unexpectedly.

I shake my head.

“Nah, I’m the one who got the better end of the deal.”

It’s painfully true. I got a loving, supporting, beautiful girlfriend. And what did she get in return? A jerk boyfriend who still loves someone else.

“I don’t believe that for a second.”

I’m saved by room service knocking at the door with our food. I quickly get up from the couch to go answer and I bring the box of pizza along with the bottle of wine and two glasses back into the living room. I leave the box on the coffee table and pour us each a glass of wine, before sitting back next to Jen, who has already started devouring the pizza.

“Mmmmm,” she moans. “Thank you.”

“You’ll have to thank room service guy. I didn’t do anything.”

“I don’t care. I was missing this.”

“They don’t have pizza in Montreal anymore?” I tease her.

“I mean, this, as in having a pizza and wine night in front of the TV on your couch. With you.”

“Oh, this.”

I lean back down into the cushions and take a large gulp of wine.

“Yeah, I missed that too,” I admit.

“You must have lots of nights like that with your girlfriend,” she adds in a slightly bitter voice, which puzzles me even more.

“Not really. I barely have time to see her, so... you can imagine what we’re doing most of the time.”

I’m surprised at how my suggestive comment doesn’t fall on deaf ears. She stares at me with a pained look.

“Sorry, I don’t want to put images in your head,” I chuckle nervously. “You definitely don’t want to imagine me having sex!”

I look away to pretend better that I’m not hurt by her absence of attraction towards me. The only girl in the world whose attention I desperately crave, and she’s disgusted at the idea of us ever being more than friends.

I’m so pathetic.

When she doesn’t reply, I dare throw a look at her. She’s watching me intently, deeply lost in her thoughts.

“What?” I ask. “It’s true.”

“So you’re that bad in bed?” she smiles.

“That’s not what I said!”

“Then why wouldn’t I want to imagine you having sex?”

“ _Because you practically laughed at me when I complimented you on your kissing skills after you made out with me and made me feel things_ ,” I think.

“Anybody but me,” I finally reply, shoving a piece of pizza in my mouth to close the discussion. I see her shake her head from the corner of my eye, before she turns her face towards the TV again and goes back to eating her pizza in silence.

I don’t understand why she said that, but I don’t dwell on it any longer.

When we’re done with the pizza and we’ve emptied the bottle of wine, Jen gets off the couch to go order another bottle.

This is getting dangerous. Drunk Jen does and says things she sometimes regrets.

When she comes back to the couch, she doesn’t pretend to want to stay away from me. She wraps her arms around my shoulders and sits as close to me as she possibly can, resting her legs over my thighs. I gently rub her knee with my hand as she burrows her face into my neck.

“I miss you, Josh,” she whispers. “I can’t wait until that stupid _X-Men_ movie is over and I can come back home and see you.”

Dammit, she’s already drunk. Maybe she’d already had a few drinks before I made it to the hotel.

“What about Nick?”

Reminding her of her boyfriend is always a good idea when she starts on a drunken monologue about how she wishes she could hang out with me more.

“He has another movie to shoot after this one.”

“That’ll give you an opportunity to spend time with your friends. They must have missed you a lot. You barely had any time off since we started filming _Catching Fire_ last year.”

She lifts her head up to plunge her questioning gaze into mine.

“Don’t you fucking get it, Josh? It’s you that I miss, not my other friends...” She looks down and lowers her voice to barely more than a whisper. “But I understand if it’s different because of your girlfriend. She might not be comfortable with our friendship yet.”

I bite my lip.

“She knows there’ll never be anything romantic between us,” I let out, surprisingly steadily. “I told her.”

Jennifer looks up at me with sad eyes and nods.

“Okay.”

There is another knock at the door, and this time, Jen goes to answer. I hide my face in my hands for a moment, trying to forget the disappointment I feel over her. I take a deep breath, and attempt to hide my feelings as best as I can when she comes back with the bottle of wine and we start sharing it.

After we’ve gulped its contents down, we’re definitely both drunk.

And I feel Jen get more brazen, which isn’t looking good at all.

When she puts her glass on the table for good and straddles me, I use the last clear thoughts I have to try and turn it into a puppy game, attempting to tickle her or pretending to fart.

But when she starts kissing my neck and slides her hands underneath my t-shirt to caress the planes of my chest, it takes all of my willpower not to let her keep going and take her right there on the couch.

This isn’t what she wants. I’m not the one she wants.

I’m just the kid she likes to chase around the set, not the man she wants to fuck.

“Jen...” I whisper as she pulls back to lift my shirt over my head. She closes her eyes, leans back down to cover my throat with kisses and lets her hand wander dangerously close to the hard bulge straining the fabric of my pants. “Jen, you need to stop.”

She lifts her head up and gazes at me with drunk, lust-filled eyes.

“I want you, Josh. And I can see you want me too.”

I look down and shake my head.

“I won’t let you do something you’ll regret. Come on. It’s getting late. Nick is probably waiting for you by now. I’ll help you back to your room. Just wait a minute, okay?”

She looks at me with frustrated eyes, before getting off my lap so I can walk to the bathroom and take care of the evidence of my arousal. I can’t show up before Nick with Jen and an obvious boner.

When I’m done, I find her passed out on the couch. I sigh, put my shirt back on and wake her up so I can walk her back to her room.

I support her until we stop in front of her room and she fetches her keycard from inside her purse.

“I can do it myself,” she says as she tries unsuccessfully to slide the card into the handle. “Shit, it’s hard. I think I should put my glasses on. Where are they?”

“Let’s see if Nick is in there,” I say, knocking at the door.

He’s quick to answer. He looks relieved to see Jen, but annoyed at seeing me. We’ve never been neither friends nor enemies, but we don’t particularly enjoy seeing each other.

Me, for obvious reasons. Him, I have no idea. It’s not as if his girlfriend could cheat on him with me. She doesn’t feel anything for me.

Except when she’s drunk. But I won’t take advantage of that.

“She just drank a little too much,” I say.

“Well, thank you for helping her back.”

“I could have done it myself, I swear! Stupid guys, always wanting to save a damsel in distress. I’m Katniss fucking Everdeen, did you know that? I don’t need no man to help me. I just need my bed to sleep. Good night, Josh. Thanks for the pizza and the wine. See you tomorrow.”

She leans in to kiss my cheek, but she misses and kisses the corner of my lips instead.

“Whoops!” she says, chuckling. “Sorry...” she looks down sheepishly.

“It’s alright,” I say, suddenly feeling almost as sober as I was at the beginning of the night. “See you tomorrow. Good night.”

And with that, I give a cold little nod to Nick and turn away towards my own room, where I crash on my bed and try unsuccessfully to find sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, as we wait for the SUV that will take us to Comic con, Jen doesn’t say a word about what happened the night before. Most likely, she doesn’t remember much at all. And it’s better this way.

On the press line, she reverts back to her usual puppy circling game, so I play it and don’t think much else of it. During the actual panel, I take the opportunity to take a selfie of the both of us.

I know I shouldn’t, but it’s stronger than me. I’ll need something to hang onto in the coming weeks when I long for her too badly.

We build a bubble around us for the whole duration of the panel, chatting quietly, leaning in to whisper remarks to each other, almost subconsciously moving as close to one another as possible.

I’m playing with fire now.

Fortunately, we’re done quickly, and as I wait for the car to pick me up, I’m reminded of the harsh reality when the vehicles bringing the _X-Men_ cast members arrive at the center. Nick gets out of the first car and immediately pulls Jen to him for a long kiss.

I look away.

Still, I can’t help but text her one last message before I go away.

JOSH: I’ll be leaving for Madrid tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

I know she replies to my message but I don’t have the heart to read it. I let Claudia know that I’ve changed my plans and decided to make a quick trip to her hometown for a few days before I have to be back in LA for my scheduled interviews.

After my plane lands in Madrid though, as I wait for Claudia to pick me up, I crack and decide to take a look at the unread messages that are currently piling up in my inbox.

JENNIFER: I thought you were staying in LA?

JENNIFER: Josh? Why don’t you answer me?

JENNIFER: Did I do something wrong? Please answer.

JENNIFER: Josh, I’m worried now. Please, send me a message or call me.

I run a hand over my face and stare at the screen. I don’t want to tell her that her behavior the night before the panel crushed me. I don’t want her to feel guilty of anything.

I just don’t want her to know anything.

But I finally settle on an answer.

JOSH: I just realized I had time to squeeze in a visit. It’s for the best. Had a good time with your boyfriend?

I cringe, and almost fear her answer. She’s quick to reply.

JENNIFER: No. I’m sorry for what I did the other night.

So she remembers it, after all.

JOSH: You were drunk. It’s okay, I understand. Fortunately I was there to keep you from doing things you’d regret.

I hide my phone in my pocket, not even waiting for a reply. I just want to forget that night ever happened. I want to forget the sensation of her smooth lips roaming on my skin. I want to forget the tickling of her breath on my neck. I want to forget the softness of her fingers traveling over the muscles of my chest.

I want to forget that she only takes me seriously when she’s drunk.

And I need to remind myself that I have a girlfriend, that I like her, and that I’m very lucky to have her.

Way more than she is for having me.

When I spot her in the crowd, I wave to her. She walks to me and hugs me as soon as she can.

“Hey, baby,” I whisper in her soft hair. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” she replies. “Come.”

She drives me to her place. We don’t waste time in rediscovering each other’s bodies, ending up snuggling on the couch in a position that mirrors that of Jen and I the other day.

I really need to forget that night, or I’ll go crazy.

“I’ve seen the video of the interviews,” she says while entwining her fingers with mine. “You looked pretty close to her.”

“Honey... you know we’re just good friends. There’s nothing else there.”

I bite my lip nervously, but she doesn’t seem to notice. There’s nothing else, unless she’s drunk, but I can’t possibly tell her that.

Anyway, it won’t happen again. I won’t let it happen ever again.

And honestly, I don’t think Jen ever will let it happen again anyway.

“Still. I don’t like the way she looks at you.”

“Are you jealous?” I smile.

“No! But I would feel better if you would keep some distance with her.”

“Alright.”

I had already planned it anyway. It’s better for all involved.

 

* * *

 

 

I don’t stay in Spain very long, as I have interviews with Jen, Sam and Jena scheduled for the week after.

I stay long enough to reassure Claudia that I still like her – she doesn’t have to know about my inner turmoil – and to remind myself of what I have with her. To remember that here, there’s a girl who loves me, and that I should be grateful that I have her.

When I show up for the _Co-star connections_ interview, I find myself genuinely happy to see Jen. She hugs me like usual and doesn’t allude at our awkward night before Comic con, for which I’m thankful as I don’t want to remember that night.

Apparently, she doesn’t want to remember it either. But I’m not surprised.

The first interview goes out well. She doesn’t act too flirty around me, and I have a lot of fun answering the questions with her.

It’s a little different when the time comes for the _Unscripted_ interview.

Thankfully, I’m no longer sitting next to her, which obviously limits any temptation she could have of touching me inappropriately. I appreciate Sam and Jena’s buffer presence between us more than ever. But I should have known that their physical presence wouldn’t make it any easier to get out of the bubble Jen and I create every time we find ourselves together though.

The very first question makes me mad already. Not the question itself, but the way Jen steers it in another direction. I’m asked to make up a toast for our characters, yet she insists she’d like me to compose a toast for our own wedding.

Is she kidding me?

Does she really want people to think we have something going on?

Likely, she doesn’t realize the consequences of her request. It pisses me off that she chooses this of all moments to playfully flirt with me. As if toying with my feelings in private wasn’t enough, she has to do it in public as well.

And so I get kinda mad, but I hide it for the rest of the interview. Still, she lets out a few unflattering comments to my attention that anger me some more. But no matter how much she teases me, and how much I let her know by my bitter answers that I don’t like it one bit, she can’t keep her eyes off me.

And I can’t help but check her out too.

I can’t wait to be done with this shit.

When we finally wrap the interview, I’m quick to get off the set, greeting the crew and exiting without another word.

“Josh!”

Shit. I stop in my tracks and let my shoulders sag in defeat, before turning around.

“What do you want?” I ask.

“I barely had time to talk to you. Are you in a hurry?”

In a hurry to get away from her, yes. In a hurry in general, no. I sigh.

“I guess not.”

“Can we speak?”

“Go ahead. What is it?”

“Did I do something wrong? I feel like you were trying to run away from me or something...”

I give her a cold stare.

“What was that?”

She frowns.

“What was what?”

“The interview. The flirting. The eye-fucking. You asked me to compose a toast for our own fucking wedding, Jen! Not our characters, our own! What was that shit?”

She looks stunned.

“It was just a joke... I told you, I wanted you to say nice things about me, for once. You’re always teasing me...”

I look down. If she knew, all the nice things I think about her on a daily basis, she wouldn’t ask me that anymore. She’d run away from me as fast as she could.

“Yeah, well, it’s over now. Anything else?”

“Are you mad at me?”

I purse my lips lightly.

“Not really.”

In fact, I’m madder at myself than at her. Mad at myself for still entertaining dreams about her, despite the fact that she’s taken and it’s not fair to my girlfriend to hold such thoughts in my mind.

She nods. There is an awkward silence that I eventually break.

“Well, if you don’t have anything else to tell me, I’ll go. See you in a few months for promo.”

I walk away, not letting her time to reply. She’ll text me if she needs it.

 

* * *

 

 

Over the next couple of months, I make a few trips to Spain in hopes of strengthening my feelings for Claudia. I enjoy spending time with her, but the reality is that I still can’t stop thinking about Jen. I will have to let go eventually, as she’s making it clearer every day that her relationship with her boyfriend is stronger than ever. I see the pictures of them having a romantic picnic in the park and my heart tightens in my chest.

I don’t know why I allow myself to hope. It’s useless.

We barely have any contact before time for promotion arrives, as she’s way too busy spending every waking moment with her boyfriend. The only time she calls me, she’s in tears over the _Mockingjay_ script being so sad, supposedly because I’m not in there much.

It hits me that I’m not only losing sight of the woman I love with all my heart, but also my best friend. But I don’t know how else to deal with this.

We’re reunited for the _Catching Fire_ press tour, which starts with a day of promotion at different social media headquarters.

She doesn’t dare seek me out at the hotel this time, and I’m grateful for that. The less I see her, the better it is for the both of us. She texts me early in the morning, though.

JENNIFER: Let’s have breakfast together before we leave? Please... I miss you.

I frown at my phone screen before typing back my answer.

JOSH: With your bf?

I hate getting snarky at her. I really do. But sometimes, I just can’t help myself.

JENNIFER: He’s in London.

So now that she’s alone, she wants to talk to me. Great.

JOSH: Ok.

I barely have time to dress up before there’s a knock at my door. I open it and there she is, looking all professional and sporting that new haircut I hadn’t seen yet.

“Come in,” I say, closing the door behind her.

“Do you wanna go out or just order room service?”

“Room service is quieter,” I say. Having a meal together, just the two of us, is always likely to spark rumors that neither of us would like to see. Especially not her.

She grabs the menu and picks something, before taking the phone to order.

“What do you want?” she turns to me and asks.

I shrug.

“Whatever. I’ll pick from your plate. I just need a large coffee.”

I’m not hungry at all. She orders an Eggs Benedict plate with a side order of toasts for me. As soon as she hangs up, she makes her way to me and plants herself in front of me, studying my face intently.

“Are you still mad at me?” she asks in a low, serious tone.

“I was never mad at you.” I bite my lip.

“Then you think you can hug me?”

I give her a small smile, before opening my arms to her. She holds me close to her and I feel that current that always passes between us, that special bond we’ve shared from the beginning.

And it dawns on me that as much as I would like to forget her, it will take much more than a few weeks away from her to do so.

She rubs my back gently, before pulling away and looking at me with a loaded gaze.

“What do I need to do to get my best friend back?” she whispers.

I sigh.

“You’ve never lost me.”

She looks away, chuckling sadly. When she turns back to face me, I see her eyes are full of tears.

“Josh, you ignore my texts. You never show up on set like you used to when you weren’t needed for filming on the first two movies, even when you’re free for days on end. You barely spoke to me after that interview in August. You’re avoiding me, and I don’t know why, and...” She looks down and wipes her eyes quickly. “And it hurts.”

“Come here,” I say, leading her to the couch, where we sit close to one another. I can’t keep my eyes off her dejected stare. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. But now that we’re both in relationships... it’s not the same. You and I know that there couldn’t ever be anything romantic between us, but Nick and Claudia probably don’t. At least, I know Claudia didn’t. I’m assuming Nick isn’t very comfortable with our friendship either given the way he was looking at me like he had guns in his eyes the other night when you were drunk and I walked you back to your room at Comic con.”

I look down to hide the pain it causes me to say out loud what we both know so well. After a while, I look up and find her giving me a hard stare.

“So basically your girlfriend asked you to push me away?” she asks.

“She didn’t have to.”

“Why can’t we be friends if there’s nothing else between us? Josh, I don’t understand...”

I run a hand over my face. How can I explain this to her, without admitting that I love her too much? That my feelings for her aren’t respectful of her choices? That I can’t stand anymore to witness her being so happily in love with her boyfriend?

“We can be friends. Just... regular friends, I guess. It’s more appropriate in the circumstances.”

She looks disappointed, but I guess I can’t blame her. She’s used to a level of intimacy between us that I can’t sustain anymore, and she doesn’t have a clue as to why.

“You’ll tell me if I cross a line? I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable and lose you again. Really, it killed me those last few weeks away from you.”

I fight the urge to roll my eyes really hard. All this time, she was with Nick, so how could she have suffered from me not being there by her side? She’s embellishing the truth now.

“I will.”

“Is it okay if I get closer to you?”

“Try it.”

As soon as her body nestles itself against mine in that familiar way, like magnets instantly sticking to each other, I kinda regret opening the door again. She lets out a contented sigh.

“I love you, Josh.”

I’m taken aback by her statement, but quickly realize that she means it in a friendship way. In the deepest, friendship sense of the words.

But I’m honest with her in return.

“I love you too. Never doubt it.”

She doesn’t have to know that I’m not talking about the same kind of love.

She grabs my hand and brings our joined fingers up to my heart.

“I miss you so much, Josh. You have no idea. I hate what we’ve become. I hate that we barely talk anymore. I hate that I hardly ever see you now.”

I don’t know what to answer to that. I’m afraid of the thoughts she’s making me have.

“Maybe it’s time to learn to move on from each other. Find ways to enjoy the presence of the other people around us instead of relying on each other all the time.”

It kills me to suggest it. But maybe if I’m not the only one fighting to keep a safe distance between us, it will be easier to make it. She lifts her head up from my chest and stares at me deeply, her face set in a sad expression. She cradles my face and rubs her thumb on my cheek, almost lovingly.

“I can’t do that,” she whispers. “I need you. It’s you that I want, not anyone else.”

Why don’t her actions ever match her words? I sigh.

“Do you love her?” she asks out of the blue.

“I wouldn’t be dating her if I didn’t.”

She looks thoughtful for a moment, before nodding and pulling away from me. I immediately feel cold and hollow without her warm body pressed against mine.

“Then I will do whatever you need me to so you can be happy with her.”

I’m stunned. This is the first time she talks to me in such a serious manner. I wish I could tell her that what would truly make me happy would be for her to let me love her like a lover would. But she would just laugh in my face.

I’m saved by a knock at the door. I quickly get up to answer, and carry the plate to the small table next to the window. Jen joins me, and before I can sit down, she grabs my hand.

“I don’t want any awkwardness between us. I’m serious. We’re about to spend a lot of time together so...”

“Yeah. I understand.”

 

* * *

 

 

Over the course of the day, she ends up saying lots of things that make me lift an eyebrow.

Like that she relates to Gale because she knows what it is to watch someone you love being in love with somebody else – this is the kind of thing that should have come out of my mouth, not hers – or that I’m her lucky charm. On a personal level, that interview is a clusterfuck of head-scratching moments, but it’s still less awkward than the _Unscripted_ interview we did last time.

Maybe because this time, I let go, instead of acting all snarky towards her.

But I would be lying if I said that I’m not wondering what the hell she’s talking about with these comments. Despite my curiosity, I’m not gonna ask her. There must be a reason she never talked to me about this. I’ll respect that.

A few days later, we get to spend the day together again, this time for the press junket. I should have expected the studio would want us to do the interviews together. I should have anticipated the sting, the pang of regret that her presence so close to me would bring.

But the truth is that it hurts. Especially when she’s all over me, touching me every chance she gets, staring at me with lovey-dovey eyes, talking to me in a low, sensual voice, even going so far as peppering my chest with kisses right under the nose of an interviewer. She even puts on a whole show of pretending to miss me so much on set that it breaks her heart.

I play her game. I know the fans will love it and the media won’t give a damn. She knows it too. So everyone is a winner.

Except me, of course. She has no idea how she’s toying with my feelings. But it’s just a matter of time before I can move on. I just need to make it through the string of European premieres next week, and then I’ll be too busy to think about her. A few days of filming next month, and I’ll have a break to forget her.

At the end of the day, as I’m getting up to leave the hotel where we just recorded about a hundred interviews together, Jen grabs my hand and pulls me to an empty corner of the room.

“What?” I ask.

She’s staring at me with a concerned expression.

“I just wanna make sure I didn’t upset you. I know I may have overstepped some boundaries today. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking-“

“Stop. It’s okay. Don’t worry about that.”

“You won’t get flack from your girlfriend because of me?”

I can’t hide a small smile.

“Well, hopefully she won’t see any of it. If she does, I’ll explain it to her. No big deal.”

“I try to hold back, I really do...” she looks down sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, really. Don’t worry about that, okay?”

I pull her into my arms and sigh. No matter how hard she hurts me, I can’t push her away. Especially not when she’s upset and anxious and I feel like she needs my support.

I expect her to cut our embrace short, but she doesn’t. Instead, she tightens her hold on my body and hides her face in my neck. After a moment, I realize she’s sobbing.

“Hey,” I whisper, cradling her head. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m so scared of losing you, Josh. I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to get in trouble with your girlfriend because of me...”

“Shhhh...” I say, cupping her face to force her to look at me. “I won’t get in trouble. It’s alright. She knows you don’t like me that way.”

She bites her lower lip and looks down.

“Now,” I say, rubbing her cheeks with my thumbs. “You must be hungry? Let’s have dinner, okay?”

She nods, wiping her tears away. I don’t understand why she’s so upset, but I don’t like seeing her that way, so I’ll do whatever it takes to bring back the smile on her face.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’ve been thinking.”

We just landed in Madrid after a short flight from Berlin. Tomorrow is our day of promotion on Spanish soil, culminating with the Spanish premiere, and Claudia just met me in my hotel room after the end of her play representation. She’s gonna spend the night with me, as it’s the only time we’re both free to hang out during my short stop in her country.

“About what, baby?” I reply, rubbing my hand on her back as she cuddles into my side on the couch.

“Her. I saw a couple interviews. She’s all over you, Josh. It’s like she thinks you belong to her or something.”

“Honey, it’s always been like that between us. And there’s never been anything other than friendship. I’m like a brother to her.”

“A brother she fucks with her eyes and gropes all the time, yes!” she whines.

I chuckle.

“You’re really gonna be jealous? Clau, she’s been with her boyfriend for like, 3 years! Believe me, there’s never been anything between us. Remember that interview I did last summer, when I talked about what I felt kissing her? Well, she didn’t feel a thing. Don’t be fooled by her, she’s an Oscar-winning actress. And she knows what the public wants to see, trust me. She’s acting.”

She lifts her head up to look at me and shakes her head with a small smile.

“You’re in denial, Josh,” she says in a low voice. “That girl loves you, much more than you think.”

“You’re wrong.”

“And you still love her.”

I swallow thickly. Guilt quickly consumes me at the thought that she has guessed my deepest secret.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past. I’ve moved on.”

I expect her to get angry and jealous at me, but she surprises me by gently kissing me instead.

“I like you, Josh. I really do. But I can see that you’re happier when you’re with her. And we’ve always known that you and I, it was doomed from the start, right? I won’t move to America, you won’t move here. I’m ready to let you go.”

“Clau...”

“We can still have fun together. You’ll always have a special place in my heart. We could stay... how do you say that in English? Friends with benefits?”

I nod and laugh lightly.

“Yes, that’s how you call it.” I study her eyes carefully. She seems totally sincere. “Is that really what you want?”

“I want us to be good friends. I want to see you happy.”

She smiles.

“But if you want to have sex with me, I’m definitely not gonna say no.”

I burst out laughing and open my arms to her.

“Just when I thought I couldn’t love you more! You’re awesome.”

I totally wasn’t expecting that. When she pulls away, I smile.

“I was that obvious?”

“I could see you were trying hard. I’m not mad at you. You fought it as long as you could.”

“Well, I’ll have to fight it for a while more, cause no matter what you think, she doesn’t love me that way. She’s been very clear about that. I don’t know what you’ve seen, but you’re wrong.”

She rolls her eyes.

“If you say so.”

 

* * *

 

 

Now that Claudia has lifted that weight off my shoulders, I can enjoy the rest of the trip a lot more. I’m still guarded because Nick’s presence in the shadows at the London premiere reminded me that Jen is still very much in love with him and I don’t want her to get in trouble with him for having acted too close to me. But at least, I know now that no matter what I do, I won’t hurt Claudia in the process.

And who knows, maybe I will finally move on.

That is, when the stupid reporters stop asking me how it is to kiss Jen, how great a kisser she is, and so on. Because it keeps making me travel back in time, to a beach in Hawaii, at a time when I was kissing her with all the emotion I could muster within me, and that she wasn’t reciprocating.

And so I never shy from pointing out that _Katniss Everdeen_ is a great kisser.

I just never expected to see the Katniss Everdeen in question’s surprising look at that affirmation.

As I’m answering questions in a booth at the LA premiere and I get asked that silly question for the umpteenth time and I give the same answer again, my eyes cross Jen’s and I see genuine hurt in them. I work hard to hide a frown. When I’m finally done with the interview, I motion to my publicist that I’ll be right back and I run out of the booth, looking for her in the crowd. Angie quickly meets me on the red carpet and grabs my arm.

“She’s gone, Josh. She was sick.”

“I know she was, but... oh man. What the hell was that?”

I take my phone out of my pocket to text her.

JOSH: What was that look earlier? Are you ok? You’ve got Nick with you, right? I hope you’re feeling better.

I pace while waiting for her reply.

JENNIFER: It was nothing. I’ll be ok, don’t worry.

JOSH: I need to see you. Are you still taking the red-eye to NY?

JENNIFER: Yes.

JOSH: Ok. See you soon.

 

* * *

 

When I get on the plane, she’s already there, fast asleep, Nick by her side. I work hard to keep my dislike hidden and manage to stay civil around him.

“Hey,” I say. “How is she?”

“She took meds, so she’s gonna sleep for a while,” he replies, looking at her tenderly like the caring boyfriend he is. “Looks like the flu, or something. Hopefully she’ll be better soon.”

“Yes, I guess.”

Not only am I worried for her health, but I’m also disappointed that I can’t talk to her about whatever comment I made earlier that hurt her. The pain in her eyes had made my insides churn, and I really can’t wait to clear it with her.

I manage to sleep the whole flight as well, and right after we land in New York, I text her even though she’s standing close to me in the terminal.

JOSH: Can I talk to you in private?

JENNIFER: Text me your room number and I’ll meet you there.

I share a furtive glance with her and nod imperceptibly. I don’t like doing things in Nick’s back but I have a feeling it’s a talk that will require privacy.

As soon as I get my room key, I let her know the number. By the time I’ve made my way to the right floor, she’s already there, waiting for me next to the door.

“Hey,” I say, hugging her casually. “Are you feeling better?”

“Much better. The meds and rest did the trick, I guess.”

“Good.” I unlock the door and motion for her to come in. “Go ahead.”

I follow her inside the room and take in my surroundings. The room is nothing special, but the dimmed lighting gives an intimate vibe. There’s a king-sized bed occupying most of the room, with a large TV fixed to the wall. A little farther is a living room corner, with a couch and another TV. There’s a spacious window giving a nice view of the New York skyline.

But I don’t dwell much on the decoration of the room. Jen is standing in the middle of it all, shoulders sagged, looking highly uncomfortable. I walk to her and put a hand on her shoulder.

“So,” I begin softly. “What was that look you gave me earlier? What shit did I say again?”

I smile as she turns around, facing me with teary eyes.

“Do you really think so lowly of me, Josh?” she asks in a soft, pain-filled voice.

“What do you mean? I just said you were a good actress-“

“All throughout this fucking press tour. I hoped you would say one truly nice thing about me. I did everything to catch your attention. But you were always dismissing everything I said, bringing attention back to our characters. Reminding me that we were fucking acting. Are you pretending to like me also?”

“Jen... don’t you remember?”

She stares at me for a while, and I know that she knows what I’m referring to.

“You said it yourself on that beach,” I add. “When I tried to compliment you on your kissing skills. You told me Katniss was a great kisser. You told me it was 100% acting on your part. So I said the truth. I know how Katniss Everdeen kisses.”

She looks dejected.

“But you know how Josh Hutcherson kisses.”

I look down, unable to bear the weight of her gaze on me any longer. Strangely, although I know I’m opening a can of worms, it feels so relieving to know that after tonight, I won’t be hiding that heavy secret anymore.

She’ll deal with it, and we’ll both be free afterwards. Even if it breaks our friendship forever.

“Josh...”

“There’s nothing to say. You know it now. I thought I was so obvious but apparently it wasn’t that clear. I’ve had feelings for you since the beginning. I had been looking forward to that day on the beach ever since I knew I was cast in these movies with you. But even if that day ended up being one of the most disappointing experiences in my life, I will never regret it. So yeah, now you know. There was no acting on my part. It was all me.”

“I wasn’t acting either,” she murmurs. I frown.

“That’s not what you said that day.”

“I was so fucking scared that you would understand that I was attracted to you! I thought you didn’t like me that way, and that it would make our relationship awkward. I was afraid of losing you. And that’s what happened, despite you not knowing how I felt about you.”

“You didn’t lose me –“

“Open your eyes, Josh!” she exclaims. “I’ve tried to get your attention for months! You never noticed the looks I would give you, the way I would try to steer every conversation away from our characters and back to us, the deep stuff I couldn’t help but let out in these interviews? I know it’s too late, you have a girlfriend now, and I messed up...” she quickly turns around to hide from me. “I love you, Josh. I already told you but you didn’t understand back then.”

I wrap my arms around her waist and rest my head on her shoulder.

“I’m in love with you,” she adds in a low, pained voice. “I’ve known it for a while now. But I couldn’t tell you-“

“Stop.”

She hides her face in her hands and starts crying. I tighten my hold on her and sigh.

“I still love you,” I whisper in her ear. “I tried to forget, I swear I did. But it never worked. I’ve got you deep under my skin. And as long as I’ll be around you, I won’t move on. That’s what I realized. “

She turns around and wraps her arms around my neck.

“I was giving you space, out of respect for Nick and because I always thought you still saw me as your kid brother –“

“That’s bullshit Josh, you know I’ve never seen you like my brother –“

“You’ve said it several times. And you could never act serious around me, so how was I supposed to know you thought of me as more than a friend? Anyway...”

I’m afraid to address the elephant in the room. She does it before I can add anything.

“Claudia really is one lucky girl,” she says in a cracking voice, looking down and pulling away from me, letting her arms slowly slide along the sides of my neck. “I hope she knows that.”

I shake my head and grab her hands, pulling her back to me.

“Yeah, she’s a good friend. I thought you were happy with Nick.”

“I’m happier now that I’m single again.”

I stop in my tracks.

“What?”

“I broke up last week. After the London premiere. It was obvious that we didn’t care that way for each other anymore. He spent the whole night chatting on his phone while I couldn’t look anywhere but at you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Are you okay?”

She nods. I press my forehead against hers.

“We’re two idiots,” I chuckle.

She finally manages to smile.

“Did I hear you call Claudia a friend?”

“To be honest, she’s rooting for us to be together.”

I recall the conversation I had with her last week and I smile.

“Am I dreaming?” I whisper. “Did you just tell me you loved me?”

“You’re not dreaming.”

“I love you.”

And with everything cleared in my mind, I can’t hold back anymore. I cradle her face and press my lips against hers gently, mirroring that first real big kiss on the beach that we both stupidly thought was only acting on the other’s part. This time though, she laces her arms around my torso and melts into my embrace, returning the kiss eagerly. I feel a shiver run along my whole body, and as she opens her mouth to welcome my curious tongue inside, she pulls me towards the bed. I detach my lips from hers and look at her with concern.

“Wait,” I say, running my hands over her shoulders. “Are you okay? You were sick tonight...”

“I’m perfectly fine, don’t worry,” she says with a teasing grin.

“And what is Nick doing here if you’re not with him anymore?”

“We’re gonna keep pretending for a while. We’re still friends. And he can really use the good publicity right now.”

I nod. She slides her hands up my chest until they reach my shoulders, staring at my eyes with a heavy gaze the whole time. I breathe in deeply and let my own hands travel down to the hem of her pants, lightly caressing the skin peeking out of the juncture between her tank top and her jeans. As she starts unbuttoning my shirt, I unzip her jeans and help her slide them down her toned legs. She quickly jumps out of them and pushes the shirt off my shoulders, before lying down on the bed and pulling me on top of her.

“And you’re giving us another good reason to pretend,” she adds, staring into my eyes with a familiar gaze that I finally allow myself to interpret as loving. “It’s a pretty good cover to hide our relationship, don’t you think?”

I return her grin.

“You’re so fucking smart.”

I lean in for another kiss. She keeps running her hands all over my chest, making me shiver with the sensation of her cold fingers caressing my skin. I lift my upper body to help her sit up so she can pull her tank top over her head, finally standing in front of me in just her black lacy bra and panties. I sigh.

“You’re even more gorgeous than in my dreams.”

“Cheesy,” she says, playfully hitting my arm.

“It’s true, though!”

She laces her arms around my neck and rolls us over on the bed, climbing on top of me. Her happy, lustful eyes are studying me hard, and I run my hands on her back, pressing her as close to me as I can. She attacks my throat with light kisses, and I’m suddenly thrown back in time to that night in San Diego.

“Remember that night we got drunk together before Comic con?”

She kisses the sensitive skin next to my ear.

“I remember all about that night” she whispers. “I was drunk, but I was sincere. I wanted you, Josh. I’ve wanted you for so long.”

As she peppers my skin with her tender kisses, I work on unfastening her bra. She lifts herself on her knees to remove it, and I straighten myself up at the same time to sit in front of her. When she finally reveals her perfect, round breasts to me, I pull her closer to me and bury my face in her flesh, inhaling her flowery-scented skin and quickly ravishing her chest with my eager mouth. She grabs fistfuls of my hair as I let my mouth wander all over her upper body and my hands travel down her smooth back. I close my eyes to imagine her riding my cock, calling my name in pleasure as the sound of our bodies colliding repeatedly fills the hotel room.

Except that I don’t need to imagine it now. It’s all real. It’s all true.

I glance up at her delicate features, taking in the look of delight etched on her round cheeks and smiling lips. She opens her bright eyes to stare at me with a questioning gaze.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks, caressing my cheek with her thumb.

I shrug.

“Nothing special. Just realizing this is not a dream.”

“Want me to show you how it’s not a dream?” she says, raising an eyebrow suggestively and pushing me on my back in one swift movement that has me holding a breath.

She leans in and drops a series of open-mouthed kisses down my chest, over my stomach, sliding her body down my torso until she reaches the hem of my pants. As she undoes my belt buckle and helps me out of the garment, finally relieving me of the pressure, I sigh loudly.

“Hold your horses, I haven’t even started yet.”

I chuckle. She winks at me before sliding my boxers down to finally free my cock. I look at her, slightly self-conscious, but she’s staring at it with a pleased look.

“So the saying was true,” she says, looking up to meet my eyes with a tantalizing smile. “Short guys really got the extra inches elsewhere.”

“You tell me.”

I would lie if I said that hearing her likely comparing my dick to Nick’s in a favorable manner didn’t make me especially proud.

I can’t keep my eyes off her as she teases me, tentatively licking the tip of my cock, grabbing the base firmly and gently rubbing my balls with her fingertips. I see her gaze flicker from my length to the inscription written in dark ink on the skin of my hip, and she gets closer to take a better look at it.

“ _Be yourself_? So that’s where it came from?”

“It fits, no? That’s what I used to ground me before I met you. Now, I only need to look at your inflated head to do the same,” I tease her.

She gives me an annoyed look.

“You really don’t want that blowjob, don’t you?”

“Come on... Jen...”

She shakes her head before taking me by surprise and shoving my whole cock in her mouth, making me gasp in amazement. As I close my eyes to focus on the whirlwind of sensations triggered by her warm, wet mouth sucking on my dick and her tongue traveling along the swollen flesh, I almost lose it. I grab her right hand and entwine our fingers.

“Fuck, Jen,” I whisper, tightening my hold on her hand.

“I take it you like that?” she replies, before sucking harder. The sight of my dick plunging down her throat with each movement of her head, and of her eyes staring at mine with a seductive gaze, makes me crazy with want.

“Jen, come here,” I say, tugging on her hand to force her to climb back on top of me, her bare thighs rubbing pleasantly on my naked body. I grab a hold of her ass and start kneading her buttcheeks like stress balls.

My own, personal stress balls.

We sit, her still straddling me, and she cups my face to kiss me again. This time, I’m the one taking charge, quickly transforming her almost innocent peck into a passionate, deep kiss. I suck on her lips, rub them with my own in a sensual way, lick her tongue playfully. I chase every reaction I can get out of her, swallowing her moans, savouring every sigh, following every move of her lips with mine. As I finally pull away slowly, she presses her forehead against mine, suddenly serious.

“Don’t stop,” she whispers. “Don’t ever stop.”

“I won’t,” I reply in a low voice. “I’ll be here for you. For as long as you’ll let me.”

She nods, presses her lips against mine, and I roll us over to pin her under my body. I explore every inch of her face with my fingers and my mouth, before I eventually stop to admire her features. She’s got her eyes closed shut, her arms tightly tied around my neck. Her short, blonde hair is all over the place. She has removed all the make-up from her face and I’ve never found her more beautiful than in this moment.

I can’t believe my luck. She, the woman of my dreams, is finally mine.

As I keep nibbling on the skin of her throat, I run a hand down her curves to finally reach the hem of her panties. I tug on it lightly and she quickly helps me get them out of the way.

I look up at her face and find her staring at me with a slightly shy gaze.

“What’s wrong, hon?”

All trace of her being upset vanishes as soon as I utter the words. She giggles in response.

“Did you just call me hon?”

“I did just call you hon,” I smile.

“See, remember that stupid interview where I got all giddy and excited because I called you that?”

“I couldn’t forget.”

“I was so trying to get your attention, Josh. Trying to let you know how much you meant to me. But... you were doing it too, right? But for you, it wasn’t on purpose.”

“I wished I could call you hon at that time,” I sigh.

I mirror her actions from earlier by kissing every inch of her chest I can reach, punctuating my pecks with all the words of endearment I’ve dreamed of using to call her for years.

“Honey... baby... love... darling... sweetie... kitten...”

I barely notice her hand lightly massaging my scalp as I explore her skin some more, slowly making my way down her flat stomach.

“You were already calling me kitten a long time ago,” she remarks.

“Yes. And it killed me to see that you weren’t taking me seriously... sweetheart.”

When I finally reach her center, I plant a kiss on her clit and quickly get to work, tracing random patterns with my tongue all over her pussy, sucking on her sensitive bud, tentatively inserting a finger inside her opening, then another one, and another one, until I’m fucking her with my fingers and she thrashes around, shaking in pleasure under my touch.

“Josh... I want you to fuck me. Now.”

I stop what I’m doing and take in her pleading eyes. She’s serious, looking flushed, and I can’t resist any longer.

I crawl back up and settle comfortably between her parted legs, aligning myself with her entrance before thrusting in slowly. I feel her stiffen a little at first, but she quickly relaxes and wraps her arms around my shoulders, urging me to move forward. With any other girl, I would be comparing this moment to what I’d experienced with all the other girls I’ve fucked in the past.

But with her, it’s different. I don’t need to criticise the act. It just feels natural, not even the slightest bit awkward, as if it was just meant to be.

As if we were meant to be.

As I start moving faster, she lets out sighs that encourage me to keep going. I lift one of her legs over my shoulder to plunge deeper inside her, and I’m delighted by louder moans and fingers gripping my muscles tighter.

God, how I love her.

“Oh fuck, Josh...” she pants.

As I feel myself get closer to my release, I slow down a little bit, slide a hand between our bodies and rub her clit in circles while I perform slower but deeper thrusts.

“I want to last a little longer,” I say.

“Oh,” she gasps. “Keep going. Just like that.”

I pick up some speed again, and as I take in her subtle nod, I let myself go over the edge, shuddering on top of her body with a low grunt. Her skin is damp with sweat, and it makes us stick together, but I don’t care. I’m attracted to her body like a magnet.

Still trembling, I caress her cheek and press my forehead against hers, before giving her a long, sweet kiss.

“If you thought I was done with you, you’re so wrong,” I whisper.

“I thought nothing,” she winks as I let my hand travel to her center once again. This time, I fuck her with my fingers as I apply pressure on her clit, and she’s so close, she comes in a minute. After I feel her walls clench around my fingers, and she sighs contentedly, she curls up against my side and looks at me with a big smile.

“I knew you couldn’t be that bad in bed.”


End file.
